Catch line of a recent movie strikes my mind! "What will you lose to win"? I am in that catch 22 situation now. I don’t really know what I am doing. I don’t really know where I am going. I really don’t know why I am doing this. But I know. I do what my heart tells me to do. I go wherever my heart tells me to go. Like a small child standing on a beach and wondering about not seeing the other end of the sea, I wonder about human relations and its depth, with reference disagreements and agreements of same transactions between two individuals. Also I think about time and its power of healing; the power of forgetting, and the amazing power of our mind to surrender to a loving one! Is that true that we tend to fight out a lost cause only when we realise that the we desperately need to win to survive! Even if that win doesn’t bring any happiness to you, why do we desperately want to win? For Eg: - Why some people, desperately want to marry a woman against the wishes of that woman? Why some parents want their children to study the subjects that parents wants them, rather than enquiring about kids views about it? Why I want my spouse to behave the way I want, rather than I agree to her ways? Don’t we know that such compulsory implementations are heartless follow of instructions out of sheer frustration? Then what is the aim of that win? What is that win desperately bringing in? Is it only giving you an ego-boost? Though you know very well that you are a loser, you want your mind to believe that you are not one! What a tragedy!! Most of the times, I argue for the sake of arguing, I very well know that the other person who is arguing against me is not going to change his mind, just because he or she is stubborn. Still I have this feeling to kill and prove my point, very desperately. Is this a symptom of mental imbalance? While I very well know that I can’t change another soul, and its thought process, why am I trying desperately for that? Why I lose out in that process to win... What I lose out in that process to win? I behave like a mad fox, with my full vigour to tear apart my enemy; though my enemy doesn’t really listen to what I say even! Alas... What a pity stage am I into? Instead, the other person, is in the process of establishing what he or she does is correct. Why we human beings end up in such fiascos? After all, is this the real tantrum or real essence of life? That the revealance of the fact that two people can only "Adjust" each other; cannot ever live happily? Especially when it comes to marital or man-woman relations? Is that the reason Westerners or many others are adopting the Living-together style of living rather than entering into marriage and subsequent chaos attached to it. I have been asking so many questions to myself... but i dont get answers to many. When I start asking others about the doubts I have about my views of "worthlessness" of this life... Some say "hey you are talking like a loser"..., some say "you have a philosophical bend"... and some dont care... and some says "you are drinking too much” some say "you need treatment" So last week, I went to temple. It was heavily raining... real thunder shower. For the first time in life, I did not fear of not wearing my footwear during a lightning/thunder time. I was so calm, I prayed god, "God, give me what I deserve in life... Don’t give me what I want in life... Also I requested him, take me away from this earth, if I don’t need to be around and cannot serve any purpose", Also I prayed God to make me non-jealous human being... or at least reduce the quantum of jealousy feeling I have". What else I can do in life... This script is also going haywire like my thoughts. Not reaching or ending anywhere. The question is popping in mind again...
Do I know what am I losing to win?
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